I read a book on making a change in your life.  Can’t recall the title, but it contained excerpts from many different authors.  I only found one to be really practical.  It was by Albert Ellis, a psychologist who did cognitive therapy.  His advice was to make a list of the reasons that you want to do something, e.g. quit smoking.  The above articles gives you plenty of good reasons but even better to personalize it more, e.g. Reason #3 To be around longer for Katie and Tom, Reason #4 To decrease my life insurance premiums.

Keep the list with you (and/or post it around your house, car, office, etc.) and take it out at least 10 times a day (I think he said more like 20 times or every half hour) and read through each item.  If you keep your reasons in the forefront of your mind, you are more likely to act in accord with those reasons.  Good advice, I thought.  Now, if I would only apply this…

I don’t work for the company that produces Chantix, and I was surprised to hear about the side effects on their commercial for the drug (sounds more like a psychotropic drug to me), but I have known a couple of people with great results from taking the medication.  One of my friends says that one morning she woke up and just forgot to smoke!  Pretty amazing.  I guess the drug works by blocking nicotine receptors in the brain so even if you do smoke, you don’t get the neurological effects of nicotine that keep people engaging in the habit.  A couple of very long-term, hardcore smoker friends of mine quit for a few weeks or months and then went back to it after getting off Chantix.  I don’t know if it would have been possible to stay on the medication longer for those who have had the habit longer and smoked several packs a day.  If it would be possible, that would seem to be the way to go until the other psychological habits (i.e., lighting the match, inhaling deeply, having something between your lips, having something to do with your hands) gets extinguished.

1.  I love lolcats but not so liking the whole “pweez” kind of lingo although I get it; sometimes something is so cute, you know it must talk in a very cutesy way.  Still, I would avoid the sickeningly cutesy crap. Just saw this one.  Captures my sentiments exactly:  <a href=”http://icanhascheezburger.com/2009/12/28/funny-pictures- This is my favorite lolcat:  <a href=”http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/01/16/im-

2.  This lookalike makes me chuckle everytime I see it:  <a href=”http://totallylookslike.com/2009/12

3.  I sometimes call my friends leaving messages like, “Woof. Woof. Woof-woof. Who let the dogs out?”  No one appreciates it.

4.  I don’t wear glasses or use a pocket protector.

5.  I also like Failblog.  Here’s one of my favorites:  <a href=’http://cheezburger.com/View.aspx?aid=2601529600′><img src=’http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/9/5/128966718042274955.jpg’ id=’_r_a_2601529600′ title=’Weather Fail’ alt=’Weather Fail’ /></a><br />moar <a href=’http://icanhascheezburger.com’>funny pictures</a>

6.  O.k., I know I’m dorky, or at least I think I am, but which of the 3 goes with dorky?

7.  I cannot help but laugh out loud (note:  Did not use “lol”.  Feel like that’s too much.) at Peter’s stupid shenanigan’s on The Family Guy, although I am horrified by many of the disgusting  sex bits on there.

8.  Like the original Star Trek series and enjoy the movies but no desire to go to a Star Trek convention.

9.  Make up stupid dances to get reactions from my family.

10.  Cannot handle shows like Full House but loved Little House on the Prairie when I was growing up. Right now, The Office and The Big Bang Theory can make me laugh out loud sometimes.

11.  Can’t handle the book, The Secret Life of Bees, which many of my friends/acquaintances just adored.  “Lily, get the Martha Whites!!!”  I felt like screaming back, and “Don’t forget Uncle Ben, either!!”  (And I grew up in the South so don’t tell me nothin’ no how ’bout no grits.)

12.  Hobbies are limited as I was discouraged from having them as a kid, but I do like to sing, dance, read, hang out with friends, watch too much tv, talk about my fav tv shows, bake, play volleyball, surf the internet, and anytime I have extra money (which is never anymore) collect little Starbucks bears that are dressed up for different holidays, seasons, cities, etc.

i have tried looking up these 3 terms in Webster’s and the Urban dictionaries to no avail.  Please submit examples of any of the three to help clarify this problem.  Specifically, what is the relation of “dorky” to these 3 terms?

After this, I will tackle heathcare.  (There!  What about that?  Does that qualify as one of the three?)

Deny that they need to grieve. Expressions from people stuck here are, “Where’s your faith?”; “Time to move on”; “It’s God’s will”; and the misuse of the Catholic classic, “Offer it up.”

Get angry at others who are grieving. Use expressions like “You’re wallowing in self-pity”; “Pull yourself together”; and “We’re all having a hard time.  You don’t see me sitting around whining.”

Bargain so they don’t have to go through the sadness.  “I grew in my faith or I’m a stronger person from that experience so I don’t need to grieve.”

Distance from emotions.  “Grieving/Crying is for weaklings.”  “Crying won’t change anything.”  Overeating, abusing drugs or alcohol, oversleeping, stealing, shopping, overworking (“I’m so busy, I don’t have time to grieve.”), overwatching tv, overplaying video games,  overusing internet (basically, anything “over” and fill in the blank), looking at porn, sexual affairs or any compulsive behavior serves to avoid emotions, being anxious in order to avoid feeling sad, overrationalizing (“I don’t know if I have the right to grieve.”  “I’ll be a burden on others if they see me upset.”), or caretaking (“I’m so worried about ___, I don’t have time to grieve.”).

Avoid people, places, situations that remind them of the loss. Personal relationships become more distant, strained or superficial as people avoid difficult topics, reminders or certain people altogether.  People are more limited in what they do or where they go, sometimes saddening or irritating others because of their behavior, and resign themselves to this in attempts to avoid the pain.

Direct anger towards themselves.  They may engage in any of a range of masochistic behaviors from engaging in excessive self-denial with or without pleasure to allowing others to do things that are derogatory or abusive to them.  Engage in risky or dangerous behavior (e.g., drunk driving, sexual acting-out).  Neglect their health or appearance.

Hold onto blame. “It’s Mom’s fault this happened.” “If I hadn’t gone out partying, this wouldn’t have happened.”

If people avoid grieving long enough, they can develop other psychological problems and hurt relationships with family and friends.  They can’t escape grief, merely try to delay it and meanwhile, be miserable or make others miserable.  To resolve those issues, the person will still need to grieve.

It’s natural, good and logical to grieve loss.  It’s also scary for some people.  It takes courage.  When allowed to be experienced, grief almost always resolves itself in time, particularly when we are able to share our feelings with a caring other.  A few who may have been vulnerable to clinical depression will need help from a counselor to experience healing and peace.  Some signs that a person may need professional help are:  numbness that lasts more than a week, loss of pleasure in things you used to enjoy that lasts for more than a couple of months, thoughts or plans of harming oneself or others.  This is not comprehensive.  If you think you may be in need of help, go get it.  (Use Google to find resources in your particular area.)

I thought about how art is inanimate and yet it communicates.  That’s really interesting to me.  That an object would not be living and yet does something that more highly evolved living things do, i.e., communicate.  (Perhaps even protozoa communicate, but I’m no microbiologist, either.)  In that way, art lives.  (Thought this might be a good name for an exhibit.  Highly doubt it’s original.  If it surprisingly turns out to be, I call dibs.)

What art communicates depends on the dynamic interaction between the art and the viewer/hearer/observer or object.  The object carries within him or her an inner world of beliefs and emotions based on a combination of prior experiences and genetic makeup.  This inner world of the object interacts with what is presented in the art, and something new is created in that interaction.  That something new may not be completely brand new.  It may serve to simply confirm the object’s beliefs about the world, others and himself, but sometimes, it opens him or her up to more.  (It’s transcendent in that way, taking us beyond ourselves.)

Now, when an artist, writer, composer, etc. puts a piece of art out there, whether it’s a painting, a novel, a song or whatever, he may intend to communicate something in particular, but as with any form of human communication, the final message is influenced by the receiver, or object, of that message.  Therefore, the final message is not always what the artist intended.  People read their own stuff into it, or more accurately, the art interacts with people’s own stuff and that end product is out of the artist’s hands.  (I feel like inserting, “How ’bout them apples!” here, knowing it would be distracting and inappropriate, yet feeling unable to resist the temptation.)

This type of dynamic interaction also occurs in everyday conversation.  This takes me to my next point:  we can’t fully control the way people are going to take what we say, and what I mean by “what we say” is “us”.  They aren’t going to necessarily take “us” the way we had hoped.  You may say, “Duh!” here (You may have said “Duh” throughout this whole blog post.  Well, good for you, “Duh”meister!), but I think it’s important to pause on that thought and keep it in mind.  We only have limited control over what people will take away with them from us.  Within that limited control, there’s a lot we can do; it’s not like we’re hopelessly ineffective, but again, the end result is only partly our making.  Therefore, what the heck am I trying to get to here?  It’s this:  We don’t have to feel responsible for everything they take.

Now what the heck does this have to do with anything?  As the title of this post indicated, this was written for neurotic folks like me.  (I used the fancy, “moi” at the end of the title to offset the “lowfalutin” at the beginning.  Kudos to those of you who noticed that; albeit, I just discovered that myself.)  Neurotic people tend to take responsibility for things that are not their responsibility.  (Yes, I know “neurotic” is an old psychobabble term from the early 1900′s, but I think it identifies people with these tendencies better than the word “anxiety” which is too general.)  This often leads them to feel badly for things that they cannot fully control.  This makes for some really miserable times in life and often, a lot of holding back so that the person can’t say or do things they’d like to or that they maybe even ought to.  This leads to more bad feelings.  Bad cycle, ya see?  So, it’s good to start by knowing what you are responsible for and what you aren’t responsible for.

This can be particularly helpful for those of us who are very worried about what others might be thinking about us.  For me, it was liberating to realize and keep remembering that I cannot fully control what others think about what I put out there.  There’s always that risk, the same risk that artists or anyone else who expresses themselves feels when they put themselves out there.  It’s revealing.  It’s making ourselves vulnerable to some degree, more or less depending on how personal we believe the content was or how negatively we interpreted the others reaction to be.

I would often come away from a social interaction with the belief that the other person thought I had revealed too little or too much.  I was always unsure.  If I thought I had said too much, I would be embarrassed or feel ashamed of what I had said so I tended to say less to avoid this feeling.  I would say little, giving the other person little to work with to continue a conversation with me, and things would get awkward.  I would then feel embarrassed and ashamed at that point, feeling like I couldn’t fit in.  No win.  Sucks.

Another trait of us neurotic folks is the tendency to be self-preoccupied so that we are more aware of what we have done and less aware of others’ contributions to something. For example, it never occurred to me to consider that the other person might have themselves revealed too little or too much.  I also never realized that the other person may not be healthy enough to handle hearing some things.  People who haven’t dealt with their own personal or family issues usually cannot handle dealing with other people’s openness and honesty about such things.  That’s not to say that there’s a time and a place for everything.  It’s not usually appropriate to spill our guts to someone we just met.  Like everything else, the right thing or the prudent thing to do depends on the situation.  Here’s a pretty obvious example.  If you’re talking with a caring friend or attending a grief support group, it’s appropriate to go into detail about the pain you may be experiencing over a loss.  Conversely, a job interview or cocktail party would not generally be appropriate places for this.  People wouldn’t be prepared to hear about it in those situations, and you would not likely receive the response you’re looking for in the long run, even if others were initially socially polite. (Of course there are exceptions to this.  You might meet a really compassionate person who later becomes a great friend because you shared.  However, exceptions like this are rare.  That’s why they are exceptions.)

As mentioned earlier, neurotic people tend to take too much responsibility for something.  If that’s you, you’re probably being too cautious.  People who rarely think anything is their fault but rather blame everyone else, tend to fall on the other end of the spectrum.  I’m not really talking to them here.

If you open up and say something personal about yourself or your family, others can only hear that so much as they have dealt with their own stuff.  Same applies to us, of course.  If someone tells me something personal in an appropriate setting (i.e., we’re having a private conversation; there’s some level of emotional intimacy already built up over time through talking about personal experiences, beliefs, feelings, etc.), and it’s not about me, and I balk; that’s my problem, not theirs.  I may be surprised or saddened when told what a person or someone in their family did or experienced, but I would not refuse to accept it or them.  (Of course, there are some extreme exceptions, e.g. someone confides to me that they are a serial killer or child molester.  I don’t need to accept that.  I need to make sure that gets reported and still treat the person with respect so far as I am able without putting myself or others in danger.)

I had a friend who I thought was really down to earth.  She was a few years older than me and had been through many life experiences.  I had formed the impression that she was really wise and very “together”.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, she really tried hard to give that impression to others.  Years later, she even admitted to me that she knew she came across as if she were self-confident and well-grounded, but that she struggled with a lot of self-doubt.  I had so bought into my own early impression of her, that when she revealed her lack of security to me, I rejected it and put her self-revelation out of my mind.  It didn’t fit with the impression I had of her, and I must have really wanted to hang onto that impression, probably because I had already made her my confidante.  However, when I would confide in her about my personal life, something was usually off.  I often felt like I had said too much, and I was uneasy afterwards, yet I stubbornly held onto my prior conception of her, aided by her efforts to want to appear that way.

It wasn’t until I began to entertain the idea that she was not as “evolved”, “mature”, “healthy” (whatever word suits your preference) as I had thought did I finally come to terms with and accept the fact that she couldn’t bear all that I needed her to hear because what I confided bothered what was inside of her.  It wasn’t about me.  It was about her.  Neurotics notoriously have a hard time getting that.  It’s not that she was some evil person.  She cared about me and even tried to show it in her words, tone, etc. when my stories didn’t get the best of her, but she could not really handle them.  That also does not mean that no one could handle them.  Maybe only a minority subset of the general population could handle them, but there are some people who have worked enough on themselves and accepted themselves and their past histories enough to be able to accept ours.  (Another shocking realization is that this is not always the case with therapists, even though you’d think that would be their specialty.  Many can.  Some can’t.  They’re human, too.  Sucks for the clients of those that can’t, though.  That’s for sure.)

One other tip along these lines, it’s unlikely you’ll find deep personal friendships with people who believe they came from a perfect family or had a perfect childhood, unless maybe you’re one of those people yourself.  In that case, go for it, Pollyanna!  (Note:  Deep personal friendships are not the same thing as knowing someone over a long period of time.)

Another unrelated lesson learned the hard way:  Never eat over your keyboard.  This includes fried rice.

Like most of the world, I come from an imperfect family.  Yep, there it is.  Secret’s out.  Sure, my parents loved me as best they could.  They made real sacrifices for me.  They definitely did better than their parents.  What more could I ask, right?

One of the things I did not get was some basic knowledge that others, who came from healthier families, take for granted.  Much of that had to do with understanding myself and others and how to relate with others in a way that would lead to generally greater happiness for all involved.  I did not understand fundamental things about who to trust, when to trust, how much to trust, etc.  This really got in the way.  I didn’t know what was “normal” in human thoughts, feelings or behaviors.  (Sure, there might be a broad range of normal, but some things are definitely outside the lines, and I had little idea where those lines were.)  I had a skewed idea of what was developmentally appropriate.  I also believed that the world was cold, hard, unwelcoming and unforgiving.  We act on what we perceive or believe.  All these things affected how I acted or refrained from acting.

At times I still struggle with my lack of understanding or distorted understanding about myself and others, but thank God, I’m learning.  What I didn’t know could probably fill volumes.  What I still don’t know and don’t even know I don’t know may still fill volumes, who knows?

Because of this, I can relate to others who don’t know.  We have to get by in the world, so we do the best we can at school, at home, work, etc. but we’re kinda faking it, often all the while perhaps believing that we really just don’t fit in, we don’t belong here, and we never did.

Now, I’m not suggesting that I speak for everyone with a troubled family history.  Maybe I only speak for myself, but I kinda doubt that, too.  What I’m hoping to do periodically in this blog, or even what I will probably just naturally do because of who I am and what I am interested in, is spell out some things that I learned along the way, things that people from healthier families seem to know by nature and that they will think is inane or a waste of time to spell out because they don’t know just how darned lucky they are.

Just wanted to let ya know…

If you’re not sure which category (in the article) you fall under, just pick a plant from 2 or all 3 of them and see which one survives the best.

I know that cacti are usually recommended to us “underwaterers”, but I am fundamentally against them.  I have come under direct attack from several varieties of cacti at different times in my life.  One even catapulted from the rear window shelf of my car during a freak trunk-opening-while-driving mishap and  jabbed me painfully in the back of the head, almost causing an even larger tragedy had I not been prepared for back-headed attacks through my early Girl Scout training.  If I was a conspiracy theory kind of a person, I would have a lot of fodder here, a lot of fodder, I say.

***TMI Warning***(Do not read further if you are male or very sensitive to “Too Much Information”.  You have been duly warned.) On a completely unrelated matter, before it slips my mind, I wanted to give a positive recommendation to the ladies out there for the spandex underpants that I recently acquired.  (Let me check right quick to see if there is a brand name on these puppies.)  It’s Olga, Ladies, and sorry, it’s 10% “elastane” and 90% nylon, not spandex as I had originally thought.  That makes sense as I imagined spandex underwear to be more like the hideous men’s too-tiny swim trunks.  These ladies’ briefs are not your grandma’s underwear.  Well, they kind of are, but with “elastane”, whatever that is.  They are comfier than cotton (but the crotch is cotton so no fears there).  I’m lovin ‘em!

Been reflecting about a New Year’s resolution.  Haven’t been much for those in several years, but recently, something has been percolating.  (Love spell check.  Evidently, I always thought “perculating” had more of a “q” rather than “percolating” “kuh” sound in the middle.  Always learning something new.  Thanks, Spell Check.)  Someone could reasonably argue that my resolution should be about “doing”.  Instead, I’m leaning towards being more reflective, that is, a more intentional, even scheduled, reflection.  Whenever I try to “do,” I can’t keep it up for long.   I feel neurotic and outside myself.  I’m hoping that action that comes from a deeper reflection will be more calm, centered, peaceful and stick around a little longer because the intellectual reasons and will will be there. (1st “will”=noun, 2nd “will”=aux .verb)

My good friend “Johnny Joe” says “‘Blah-blah-blah.’ Just make up your mind to do one small thing [e.g. make your bed] and do it everyday.  Then once you have that new good habit in place, add another small one and keep building.”  Sounds very reasonable, huh?  Well, we’ll see about that, Johnny Joe!

I’m still per-”q”-lating…

In the meanwhile, enjoy this sound.  Don’t know much about jazz, but love me some Vince Guaraldi.

I read an article online today about networking (http://blogs.bnet.com/entry-level/?p=800&tag=nl.e713).  It says start a blog, just start writing.  Pretty soon your niche will develop out of that.  No need to come up with it ahead of time.

That works for me.  I’m way too much of a thinker/planner and not enough of a doer.  A lot of times it’s good to get doing so you can see what needs planning.

So, just get writing, huh?  Hmmmm…O.k., well, let’s see.  Had a good conversation with my sister today.  Our relationship has been really strained over the years.  She seems to be holding a lot of resentments towards me that I only recently realized.  (Let me fill you in here, I work as a counselor of sorts so for me not to have seen this was…maybe typical for counselors regarding their own personal relationships.)  Anyway, my sis, I’ll call her Betty-Lou, has not wanted to tell me about her personal life because she believes that I am too judgmental.  I willingly acknowledge that I have a judgmental mind.  I’ve come to realize that more and more over the last couple of years.  Prior to that, I had always prided myself on being very accepting of others.  That’s true, certainly, to some degree.  People have told me that I am a kind person, and that’s something that I really want to be, but I grew up with judgmental modeling, and I adopted that cognitive style effortlessly.  It fit me like a second skin for so long, I didn’t even know it was there.  Now I’m trying to wake up to it.

I’m treating Betty Lou much like I would an antagonistic client, avoiding advice-giving and providing a heavy dose of empathy and support.  Well, it worked.  She seemed to get some clarity regarding an issue that she was struggling with.  She came to her own realization.  It didn’t come from me.  At the end of our conversation, she remarked that it was good to talk to me.  That’s a rare comment from her.  In the past, I resented the idea that she needed me to talk to her like a counselor.  My professors had said not to counsel your own friends or family members.  I may have taken that advice too far.  What I’m providing her is really more of just a supportive listening ear, not full-fledged therapy.  That’s a common error my clients and a lot of people make:  applying a principle imprudently.  More about that another time.  Part of this blog is going to be about my own quirky thinking processes.  Some of you may be able to relate sometimes.  Until next time, good night, Sweet Reader.

Quote for the day:  “No one’s as useless as you think I am.”  (from Malcolm in the Middle)

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